A Telling Tell

Without realizing it I've discovered I have a tell. You know, poker slang for a change in someone's behavior that gives you a clue about how that person feels about their hand. But mine isn't when I'm playing poker. It's more a barometer to identify how I'm really doing. I'm not talking stuff like, "I'm tired". It's more like, "Does anyone want to adopt an adorable little girl?"

Not that I'm serious about that. But maybe for a quick moment I guiltily am.

Embarrassingly, my tell is whether or not my eyebrows are filled in. I know that sounds ludicrous, but it's true. If I get the eyeliner on then I'm doing really well. If I straighten my hair we are feeling all sorts of positive and confident in this momma gig. It's noteworthy to tell you that I used to straighten my hair everyday. Since the wee one has joined us, I've pulled the flat iron out a grand total of one time. I would guesstimate I've put eyeliner on half the time and there were probably 3 days when the eyebrows haven't been filled in.

Who knows what happened on those 3 days. Probably a lot of crying, not a lot of latching, and maybe some throwing up in there just for funsies. You mom's know what I'm talking about.

For example - this day was a no eyebrow day.

And this was an eyebrow, eyeliner, and hair straightened day.

It's not that I'm not loving it, because I am. But it's also hard so there are wistful moments of doubt that creep into my mind when everything seems to be going wrong at the same time. I'll wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if I'm cut out for this. I wonder if I'm a bad person for thinking these things and then if I'm already an awful mother.

And then I'll look down and she'll smile. And that seems to push me to another day.

Friday Favorites

I haven't seen Babycakes in weeks and I miss him something terrible. Here he is on the farm. :)

// A few web 10's //

10 ways for men to prevent cancer now.

10 under $10 Restaurants in L.A. 

And randomly, saw this on Cup of Jo, I also really love Mindy Kaling. 

Have a wonderful weekend!

These Are The Days

It is late and I am the only one up. Why, I have no idea. The baby just fed, Josh is sleeping, I've taken a shower, and I've pumped. I should be sleeping. I'll probably regret this later but my mind won't stop and so, my friends, I am here talking with you. Sharing with you.

I am tired and I look like a zombie.
I can only wear clothes that unbutton in the front.
Pooping feels like my intestines are being scrubbed out with a brillo pad.
My incision aches.
My clothes don't fit.
My hair is thinning.
My nails are brittle.
My legs are swollen.
My boobs seem larger than Marilyn Monroe's and as raw as a freshly picked zucchini.
And I am more tired than I have ever been in my entire life.

But these are the days I live for.

I have come to realize it is only a parent's love that would wish for these days to slow down and last longer. Even though I'm at my worst, she is the epitome of the best. Life has never looked sweeter or more promising. The mundane becomes meaningful. The repetitive shows promise. And the simple elicits joy.

It reminds me of God's love for us. So pure. So selfless. So righteous.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long, and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

The Birth Story - Part II

I should title Part II of the birth story, "Visitors And A Sponge Bath" because that is the perfect summation of the highlights of our 96 hours in the hospital.

Once we were transferred to post pardum, we found ourselves under the care of a bevy of competent nurses. We came to have our favorites and my main girl was Iris. She was actually a nurses assistant but she loved on us like we were her own and for that she had my loyalty. Well, that AND she gave me my first ever sponge bath. At first I was a bit apprehensive about being sooo naked and sooo just pregnant but you find any sort of modesty goes out the window in these situations and you gladly let these ladies pull, pump, scratch, insert, turn, twist, and shake to their hearts desire. It was nothing short of heavenly as she washed away the sweat from the wedding and the gunk from the c-section. I could go into greater detail but I'll spare you the gore.

We walked a lot, stared at her a lot, tried to feed her a lot, spoke with lactation specialists a lot, worried a lot, and rejoiced a lot.

But the visitors were my highlight. My heart swelled with appreciation each time someone would walk through that door to meet Emerson. There's something intangible about other people loving on your own. I haven't pinpointed it all yet but I look back on each person and I am overwhelmed with gratitude towards them. If that was you, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

+ Auntie Ruth, Dawn, and Jason.

Now that we are home our new reality is setting in and we love it. I would go into greater detail but I'm typing with one hand while holding a breastfeeding baby with the other. Livin' the dream people!

Our Birth Story - Part I

Today was supposed to be Emerson's birthday.

It's hard to believe she is already 9 days old. We were scheduled for a c-section this morning but she obviously had other plans.

Last weekend Josh and I were nearing exhaustion as we wrapped up hauling the contents of our apartment to another unit downstairs. We have Josh's mom, Blane, Melissa, my mom, Josh's dad, Luke, and Kylie to thank for helping us to get our stuff over there. It takes a village folks.

Saturday we had a wedding so we left our new place that was in utter shambles and headed to the venue in Orange. The ceremony was outside and the day turned out to be beautiful...if you were in the shade. We were in the sun and it was a piping 90 degrees. I wasn't feeling well so Josh graciously agreed to leave after the ceremony. On the car ride home every bump was excruciating. I chalked it up to exhaustion from the move, heat from the wedding, and being 9 mos pregnant. But by the time we got home around 7:30pm I was feeling even worse. Josh grew increasingly concerned as the minutes ticked on but I was adamant that we would not overreact and call the doctor just to hear that it was a false alarm. Josh began packing a bag, mostly because if I didn't give him something to do he would have gone crazy from worry. We also began timing the contractions and once they were five minutes apart I conceded we should call the doctor.

Our OB confirmed that we were in labor and told us to slowly make our way to the hospital and he would meet us there. Well, we waited a whole three minutes and then got in the car and headed over.

Labor and Delivery checked and confirmed this was the real deal and I was admitted. I was only two cm dilated but my contractions were three minutes apart, with increasing pressure. I remember thinking I had really gotten the short end of the stick - having to go through labor and have a c-section. Our doctor arrived around 10pm and by then I was having contractions every minute. Ain't gonna lie, those babies hurt like hell. Things moved quickly after that.  Josh changed into scrubs, I was prepped for surgery and wheeled into the OR. Somewhere in there I got a catheter and was stripped to the bare bones. At this point I was deathly afraid of the spinal tap since there was no way I could get through one without having a contraction and I was scared I would move during the procedure. The anethesologist tried to soothe my concerns but the true angel was the nurse who could see the fear in my eyes and promptly came over to me, put my head in her bosom, and told me it was all going to be okay. She talked me through the contractions and before I knew it my feet were tingling and I was being put on the table. Josh came in and I immediately felt better. He was given the option of watching the procedure or not and he chose to sit by me and hold my hand instead.

A bunch of tugging, counting, clamping, conversations about the disappearing plane, and stories about my anesthesiologists daughter, and then we heard it - a tiny little cry. I asked Josh to take a picture. Neither of us cried. A nurse told Josh he could go see his new daughter and he walked a few feet to see her get weighed and sucked and cleaned up a tad. Thirty minutes later I was sewed up and cleaned up. They wheeled me out of the OR to a recovery room. It was quiet and I had a nurse taking care of my every need. Josh held his daughter and Emerson and I did skin to skin. We tried to breastfeed and were overjoyed that she latched.

After that I was transferred to the post pardum wing and on our way over there, we ran into my parents, Josh's parents, Aimee and Noe, and Kylie ~ our first responders. :) It was around 1:30am and I was thankful they would want to come at such an ungodly hour.

The first responders 

I'll share part II with you tomorrow. 

xoxo, J

Those People

Emerson Louise was born Saturday, March 15 at 10:43pm via C-section at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica and weighing in at 7 pounds, 3 ounces and measuring 19 inches. I can't wait to share her birth story with you but until I can order my thoughts properly a few pictures and quick observations will hopefully hold you over.

What I can tell you is she is perfect in every way! Every cliche thing a parent tells you about their own child is absolutely true in our case. We are over the moon. You can often catch us just staring at her, exclaiming over the the way she blinks, and turns her head. I'm pretty sure one of us has already equated one of her hand grab's to a high level of intelligence and her quiet nature to a gentle and kind spirit. We are sooo everything first time parents are, and not ashamed of it either. We love being extra careful with her, checking on her when she's sleeping to see if she's still breathing, and taking a laborious 20 minutes to change her diaper. We unabashedly think she is the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world and if it weren't for the first time parent cautious syndrome we'd be showing her off to anyone and everyone willing to say she is the most amazing little thing they've ever seen.

The thing about being first time parents is you get to be those people and it doesn't matter one lick. We are deliriously thrilled and thankful and every other positive adjective in the English language.

more soon!

Emerson Louise

Friday Favorites

Next time we see each other, we'll be in a new place! Have a wonderful weekend.
xoxo, J

In Good Hands

Quick break from packing...

Did you know that three out of four car seats are installed incorrectly? AND did you know that motor vehicle injuries are the leading cause of death among children in the United States?

Mr. Cautious installed our car seats last night and, just to be sure, scheduled an appointment with our local CHP to get his handy work checked. While I was waiting our turn, I was surprised to see two other families whose car seats were not installed correctly. You'd think it would be simple, but those contraptions are more complicated than you'd think.

The officer checking our installation went through a checkoff list and said I had done an A+ job. I told her my husband had done it. She smiled at me. I drove home thinking I am so lucky to have Mr. Cautious. He is the just the type to meticulously install a car seat perfectly and then have someone check his work ~ just to make sure.

We are in good hands.

)

We are moving...

...downstairs!

An apartment opened up downstairs so Josh and I have decided to move down there. People assume the place is bigger, with our growing family and all, but actually it's smaller. :) Babies don't take up that much space, do they? :p

But we should be fine. The main thing is we won't have to contend with lugging a baby + groceries + whoknowswhat up and down the stairs everyday. So that's nice. The one rather tough aspect of it all is the timing. We were hoping for the place to open up sooner than this weekend but it didn't so a week before we have this kiddo we'll be moving - and by "we" I mean Josh. There's no way he's letting me carry a toothbrush, let alone a box, down those stairs. :p

Because the place is smaller we have already packed up half of our stuff and moved it into a storage container. But still, a whole apartment awaits to be carted downstairs so that is what we will be doing this weekend (and going to a wedding!).

I really like the layout of our new pad and I'm anxious to get our stuff in there so we can settle in (and finish that nursery! yikes!) before this girl makes her debut.

Have a wonderful Tuesday ya'll.

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16

The Endless Possibilities

I've reached a point where the thought of leaving the house is equated to crossing the Mississippi during a hurricane. Wearing anything other than Josh's basketball shirts and my huge sweats is ridiculously cumbersome which is why on Saturday night I found myself blissfully ready for bed at 8:00pm with my laptop open to Netflix and the night's possibilities endless.

As I trolled the options I settled on Stuck in Love, mostly because it received high ratings and since Josh was out I figured, romantic independent film? Sure! All I was hoping for was mild amusement since I had already decided I would fall asleep halfway through but 97 minutes (and many tissues) later I was hooked.



"I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making. Not one of us moving. Not even when the room went dark."

2 weeks.

Friday Favorites

And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times. - Psalm 12:6

// Web Favorites //

I love this! What would you put on yours?

North and South Koreans Unite

Welcome to Googletown

With love, from Los Angeles

What a statement. I love it.

I just can't imagine what our world will look like in 20 years.. 

back to 1600! Am I dating myself if I admit that's what it was when i took it?

anyone curious if this would measure up to the hype? I am.


Have a wonderful weekend! xoxo, J

Want To Chat Over Dinner?

Mel's Kitchen Cafe // White Chicken and Spinach Lasagna

Well, I'm officially exhausted. The lasagna won the battle but I won the war because there's nothing like coming home to a home cooked meal. Right?

While I'm eating out of the pan before Josh comes home, I'll tell you about our last big doctor appointment. They did an ultrasound, measured the size of my belly, swabbed a few things, and checked to see if I was dilated. Of course, we came loaded with a ton of questions so he sat us down in his office afterwards and kindly (and patiently) answered everything these first time pregnancy kids needed to know.

The big take away is that she is big. The doctor estimated that she is currently 7 1/2 pounds ~ which is fine if you didn't have to add 2 weeks and 4 days to that. By the time she is born she could be leaning towards the 9's. I think our mouths both dropped when we heard that. 9 pounds! Remember we have just come from holding little Noelle, who weighed a whopping 6 pound 13 ounces at birth. We also learned that she has a big head. Wow!

Baby girl is already throwing us for a loop and making us alter our perfectly planned lives. I suppose that is just a taste of life to come. :) 

Back At It...For Now

Admit-ably, I haven't been in the kitchen too much lately. We've been surviving on creative salads, Costco rotisserie chicken, and Trader Joe's frozen food. Bah! I hate admitting that! But the truth is the truth and instead of spending my early evenings cooking, I've been sleeping. You may have thought I had a good excuse for not cooking but no, I don't. Except if you consider a blissful 1-2 hour nap as a good excuse. And luckily for me, Josh does. :)

But yesterday I was inspired because I stumbled across the food blog, Mel's Kitchen Cafe, and proceeded to bookmark 15 of her recipes. You never know how good a food blog is until you've tried a recipe. Today I attempted her Buttermilk Banana Bread (because what is a better barometer of someone's skills than their banana bread) - and it was pretty darn good. Not too much banana and just moist enough.

Tomorrow I'm going to try her White Chicken and Spinach Lasagna. (Look at me go! Burnout probably in my near foreseeable future :p) I'll keep you posted!

A Little More Pizazz

By the way, I thought the after party dresses were way better than the red carpet ones. Did you think so?

Also, go get free pancakes!

The Oscars

Did you watch the Oscars last night? My favorite moments were Ellen's opening monologue, Pink's performance (and her in a shiny red dress), and Bette Midler singing The Wing Beneath My Wings. 

My favorite ladies

My favorite men

If you're interested, The Most Breathtaking Oscar Gowns ever. (Personally, my all time favorite is Michelle Williams, 2006 in that mustard Vera. Perfection!)

Have a wonderful week!