Best. Week. Ever.

I swear yesterday between my two kids, someone was crying the entire day. Don't tell anyone but on Monday, Emerson and I never changed out of our pj's. It has been one of those weeks, I'll tell ya, where nothing is going right and I just felt like giving up on this whole thing called parenting. 

This morning we had MOPS and I was dreading going because ever since Landon has been here, Emerson has cried whenever we leave her anywhere. What once was a fun play time for her has turned into me being called to come get her, passing off Landon to someone until he needs to be fed, and then Emerson refusing to leave me. I'm usually up for trying things but nursing one and carrying the other is a physical impossibility - unless I gave her a piggy back. 😳 Can you imagine that?! Hah. The last meeting I just packed us all up early and took everyone home. 

This morning my fears were confirmed. Before we had even left the house Emerson was telling me she didn't want to go. I had already gone through my magic bag of mom tricks and none of them were working. She was clingy. Whiny. Sad. Upset. I pressed on because I knew this is good for her. She needed this as much as I needed the break. 

As we were driving she told me she was scared. She was scared of being without me. My mama heart broke and we parked. I told her we should pray and ask Jesus to take from her this feeling and replace it with comfort. I asked her if we could pray instead that her time at MOPS would be fun. She nodded yes and we prayed together. 

She cried a little when I dropped her off but when I picked her up she was laughing and running all around. I gave her a big hug and asked her if Jesus had answered our prayers. Guys, she looked at me with the most incredible face and said quite emphatically, "yes mommy". 

My heart soared. 

In a week full of frustration and exhaustion, God gave me this moment. I'll never forget it because it was the first time her and I asked Jesus for help, she understood what we were doing, and he answered her prayer.

Best. Week. Ever. 

Landon's Birth Story - In A Heartbeat

This was my last post before Landon suddenly joined us. 34 weeks, January 4. Landon was born a short 6 days later, 5 weeks ahead of schedule. When I re-read that post I shake my head and ask myself how I missed all the signs. But then, hindsight can be a b**** can't it?

We had just gotten back from our first trip to the snow with the littles. I can't categorize it as a "trip of a lifetime" because I wasn't feeling well. Me not feeling well = a grumpy girl. Just what everyone wished for! ;) The day before the trip, I had begun to get a pain in my lower stomach anytime I exerted myself. It got progressively worse while on our vacation. I would have to lay down and wait for it to subside. I thought I was just too big and my body was struggling under the weight. I told Josh one night I thought the baby was going to come early. I was sleeping a lot and not feeling well throughout the day.

The next day, January 10, Josh and I were laughing over an Instagram he posted. It was his birthday. The big 3-0 and he snapped a shot of me passed out on the couch and Emerson pretending to be asleep on the other. What a celebration! We had just been to church and then to my moms for a birthday lunch. That night we went to dinner with Blane and Aimee to celebrate Josh's birthday. We ended up walking to check out a restaurant and I wanted to keel over but I kept telling myself to not make the night about me - because let's be honest, it usually is, and couldn't I suck it up for Josh for ONE NIGHT? Monday morning I woke early. I couldn't sleep. My body was feeling bad still but this time I was so depleted of energy.

We called the doctor just to be on the safe side. He had just seen me for my 34 week check-up and all was clear. I acted cool on the phone but was relieved when he encouraged me to come in just to make sure. We packed up and, on a whim, threw together an overnight bag and put it in the car. Once at the doctors office they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and low and behold I was having contractions, every three minutes. WHAT.

I was shocked. They didn't feel like the contractions I had experienced with Emerson. But once he identified the feeling to me, I realized I had been having them for days. We decided to try and stop them since I was only 35 weeks. I was scheduled to deliver at St. John's in Santa Monica but they didn't want to take me since I was 5 weeks early (a God ordained thing) so we went to UCLA Santa Monica because they have a level 3 Neo Natal Intensive Care Unit ~ higher than St John's. I was disappointed at the time and anxious to be at a new hospital. 

We called my parents to see if they could come and pick up Emerson. We called Josh's mom to see if she could take off work to care for Emerson for a few days in the small possibility that we wouldn't be able to stop the contractions. 

I was omitted, they tried one medication and it slowed the contractions for a time before going back to one every three minutes. They tried another medication a few hours later which seemed to work. My doctor came by after his day at the office, checked me, and told me to go home and rest. Right when he walked out I felt something. Then felt it again. And again. Nurse came in and confirmed the contractions started up again and ran to catch our doctor before he left during rush hour to his home in Eagle Rock. 

Emerson switched to Josh's mom, who took her to our home for a normal dinner and bedtime. I was prepped for surgery and Landon was lifted out into the world at 5:10pm on January 11, weighing 6 lbs and measuring (incorrectly) at 19 1/4 inches. A respiratory therapist was on hand to check the baby's lungs and while I was being stitched up, he decided the baby needed help breathing. So before I could even see him, he was whisked off to the NICU. 

The rest of the story you know. Or can read about in previous posts. 

When Emerson was born, there was a lot of stress on us as parents during her first six weeks. She wasn't gaining weight and we had to make decisions we didn't feel competent making. Her well being was under our control and the pressure to do the right thing, at the time, seemed enormous. Landon's situation was the exact opposite with the same result. We had absolutely no control over his well being and the stress from not being able to do anything was also enormous. 

I will say though, it was easier for me to turn to my God when I wasn't in control. Because what else can you do really? So we fought for him the only way we knew how, in prayer. 

So that is how our boy joined us, quietly doing it his own way ~ which I have a hunch, will be how he is and does. Time will tell, yes? Until then, we are thankful that we called the doctor when we almost didn't, thankful he encouraged us to come in for "peace of mind", thankful that St. John's wouldn't take us, thankful that UCLA Santa Monica had room for us. Thankful for my parents who let us move in for a week and a half, and for Josh's mom and her wonderful care of our daughter. Thankful for our church family and friends for the meals, presents, cards, and prayer. Thankful for my OB, who gave us encouragement as a doctor, a Christian, and a father to two NICU babies himself, and who visited our son in the NICU twice even though he was not required to do so. Thankful for the wonderful L&D nurses and undying gratitude to the NICU doctor and nurses who cared for our son with such love and expertise. 

So much upheaval and thank you notes. So much stress and sleepless nights. So many tears and moments of frustration. So much trust and peace too. All for this little boy, this quiet, gentle, little boy. 

We'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Here, there, and waaaay over there.

Landon rarely gets held by anyone but me. In the mornings, Josh doesn't get to hold him because he needs to get ready for work, and when he does have time, I'm either nursing him or putting him back down for his first nap. When he gets home from work, he takes over with Emerson so I can get Landon ready for bed, nursed, and down for the night. So he misses him there too. The only other people who hold him are our moms, for about an hour or so each week. And that's it. Just the nature of being the second child I suppose. 

I can tell he is getting more and more attached to me and the thought of it both frightens and excites me. 

I was telling my sister the other day that it somewhat saddens me that no one really knows him. There is so much goodness in him to be known! He is truly sweet. He is gentle and sensitive. He is quiet and calm. He is ticklish and loves me to run my hair over his face or my nails over his head. He responds to calm interaction.  And his eyes always give away his feelings. He often looks concerned because he is often concerned! But beyond the worried face that everyone sees, is a beauty that I can't even describe. But you need to spend one on one time with him to see it. 

The second go around I really do see my children and parenting in such a different way. Most of what I worried about the first time, I don't this time, and stuff that never came up the first time, is now what goes around and around my noggin during those mid-night sessions. 

But one thing I have learned for certain, with two there is little time to be anal, exact, or detailed about anything anymore. So you either relax and let go or you go crazy trying to keep going at the pace and style you did when you only had one child. 

Also, my brain is fried. Trying to keep everything going for two little people leaves little room for anything else. What little memory I had prior to Landon, is gone. And what time I had for myself is also gone because someone else always needs something more than you need it too - food, bathing, bathroom, sleep, ... all of it. 

But right around the corner is a day when they will both be more self sufficient and I will miss the innocence of my children, the harmless play, possibly even the childish tantrums. 

I'm not sure how this turned into two posts but what a perfect example of my mind right now...here, there, and way over there! :) 

Mama, out. 

Hello

We are coming out of the fog, also known as the newborn phase, I think. 

There's a lot of crap rumbling in my mind cause that's what stores up when you've got hours of nursing, burping, diaper changing, going on. So, can't wait to share that with you. ;) 

In the meantime, we've told our daughter to stay in bed during nap time. 

Can't say she doesn't follow the rules. ;)