Fingers Crossed

Josh goes back to work tomorrow and I'm feeling a little cheated of his paternity leave. We didn't really get to do the whole nesting thing and have been scrambling to get the house ready and baby necessities shipped and placed. I wouldn't be shocked if Amazon's stock went up a point due to us. :p

Against all the baby book advice, we also switched Emerson to her toddler bed yesterday simply because we needed the crib for Landon. 

I gotta tell you, we were scared because we have such a good thing going with her and sleeping. But after an extra ten minutes of standing, sitting, and turning, she went right to sleep. This morning she stayed in her bed until we came and got her. Amazing. It can't be this easy right? *fingers crossed

Something's Gotta Give

Josh captured this awesome moment today where Emerson and I are sitting in her toddler chairs eating a snack and I'm breastfeeding at the same time. I'll spare you the actual photo but I bring it up to say, woah, this is going to be my life ALL DAY in three days when Josh goes back to work. I wonder if I can do it? Certainly something's gotta give.

Then I took this silly quiz that asks you ten questions and then determines how many kids you can handle. My results: 

I think we're in trouble. 

Not In A Million Years

Before I go all TMI on you, I just want to say, you truly forget how small they are in the beginning. You think you'll remember, but you don't.

Alright, on to the TMI! 

I am oddly enjoying the whole breastfeeding thing - quite the 180! The first time around was so stressful and I never had enough milk. It was certainly a more clinical experience while this time around it's more of a bonding experience. I finally get what all the mama's are talking about and why they seem to love it so much. So, there's hope for you if it sucked the first time. :p

I even have frozen milk. 

Never in my wildest dreams. Not in a million years. 

Home Sweet Home

15 days later we can finally say 'Welcome Home Landon'. 

Tuesday morning we got the call from the NICU saying Landon was released. It was quite a shock considering the day before the doctor told us his release date was looking more towards the end of the week. We were at my doctors office for my two week follow up and I cried right there while waiting to talk to the receptionist. Haha. She must had chalked it up to post pregnancy hormones. 

We rushed back to my parents house and packed up and headed to the hospital. By 4:30 we were all headed back home. 

It's been wonderful and hectic. I didn't even check Instagram today so you know I was under it ~ lol. I told Aimee I was twelve steps behind all day. By 2pm Josh had yet to brush his teeth. By 3pm I still had not taken my medicine, pumped, or eaten lunch. 

But we are home. Finally. Home Sweet Home. 

(I wish I had a super adorable family photo but this is the reality folks ~ me breastfeeding during dinner. lol.)

The Waiting Game

Landon is free from his feeding tube! 

Josh and I were so excited when we walked in this morning and saw him. But before we take him home, Landon has to prove that he can gain weight on his own. Until now he has been fed every three hours like clockwork. Now he'll eat whenever he shows signs of being hungry.  His next weigh-in is tonight. Prayers up! 

While we wait on that he will be prepped to come home. We took a refresher CPR class, he'll get his Hep B vaccine, they'll do a car seat test (they monitor his vitals while he sits in a car seat for 90 minutes), and lastly, he'll be circumcised. 

Rather than be excited, I found myself filled with anxiety today. I'm afraid to get my hopes up and then be disappointed, and I worry about our next steps. And we are all weary from the stress and the grind of 2x daily hospital visits, taking care of E, and for me, pumping and healing. 

But I am happy that we are free to even think those thoughts and feel those feels. That wouldn't be the case if our son wasn't doing as well. 

The popular question these days is, "So when is Landon coming home?"

The short answer is "not yet". 

The long answer: The respirator coming out was a huge leap towards autonomy but he still has to learn to take a bottle on his own and prove he can gain weight before they will entertain the idea of taking his feeding tube out. Him and I have also been working on breastfeeding twice a day which has been an easier transition than I was expecting. I'm a newbie to the NICU so I don't really know how long each of those steps are so we just keep plugging along. 

Basically, your guess is as good as ours. 

In the meantime Josh and I are trying to provide Emerson with a little bit of normalcy and routine. She's had quite a few weeks too. 

Thanks for praying and for wondering and for thinking of us. Big hugs to you!

Seeing His Face

My son, without his respirator. Hallelujah!

The last few days they have been slowly weaning Landon off the O2. So far he hasn't had any episodes and is doing really well. Praise God! When we walked in yesterday morning it was the first time I'd seen him without all the tubes and tape. I saw my son. I really saw my son. And it was beautiful. 

He is so beautiful. 

It reminded me what happens when we really seek the Lord. Sometimes we cannot see through all the mess and chaos, but God is right there behind it, waiting for us to remove all the gunk that is blocking us from seeing his face. God's miraculous, beautiful, face. 

Good News and No News

We've had a few days of helping Emerson to readjust. She did so well while we were gone but she also needed us back. That whole thing coupled with me recovering, and getting over to see Landon, trying to get the house ready for a baby and well, we are figuring it out. 

Last night I got to hold Landon again. What a joy! He is slowly improving. They reduced his oxygen intake again and increased how much milk he is getting through his feeding tube. He gained some weight and hasn't had another breathing episode. We are always thankful for good news or no news. 

Also, Landon is the spitting image of his father. I sent this baby picture of Josh to my mom and she thought Landon's tubes had been removed. Haha   

Thank you for loving on our family during this time. I can't tell you how much each card, text, meal, flowers, and phone calls have meant to us. And mostly, we covet your prayers for our son and our little family.

The Sweetest Parting Gift

We were discharged today. Lots of emotions swinging back and forth about that but we finally got to hold Landon last night and it was the sweetest parting gift. 

This morning the nurse told me that he was a bit fussy during the night so she held him and he calmed down. Apparently he got a little taste of being held and liked it. 

Besides the fuss, he did well during the night. His lungs and breathing seemed to improve a bit so we leave hopeful for his recovery and thankful he is in such good care. 

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the Lord, who has compassion on you."

Isaiah 54:10

Last Day

Tomorrow Josh and I are going home. While we crave to take our son with us, we cannot help but feel he is better off here, where each breath and movement is monitored and accounted for.

So we have this one last day to just be with Landon. Sometimes it feels like time isn't moving in the NICU. The quiet of the room, the humming of the machines, the reassuring presence of the nurses. Everyday we hope for some progress but it seems he is neither getting better nor getting worse. The nurses remind us it just takes time so we wait on time and God's healing hand. 

But time can be my enemy, it is during those endless stretches that doubt and fear creep into my mind. And my biggest enemy, fear, which can make you think irrational thoughts, allowing a tiny drop to turn into a raging river. 

"The One who died for us, who was raised to life for us! Is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us." Romans 8 

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10 

Psalm 118

[I] Thank God because he is good,

because his love never quits...

And you who fear God, join in, 

"His love never quits"

Pushed to the wall, I called to God from the wide open spaces, he answered. 

God is now at my side, and I'm not afraid. 

Who would lay a land on me? 

God's my strong champion; 

I flick off my enemies like flies,

Far better to take refuge in God 

than trust in people...

I was right on the cliff-edge, ready to fall, when God grabbed me and held me. 

God is my strength, he's my song,

and now he's my salvation...

You're my God, and I thank you. 

Oh my God, I lift high your praise. 

Thank God - He is so good. 

His love never quits! 

Ready for today and whatever comes our way because this is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

Ups and Downs

It has only been one day but already I am weary from the worry a parent can have for their child. Sometimes I do not feel I am cut from a strength great enough to handle this.

Today was filled with ups and downs. The downs, my love had a moment where he stopped breathing. The nurse brought him right back to it but it scared us something bad and reminded us how fragile he is. And that leads to our other down, looks like he's going to have to stay in the NICU a while longer. Maybe a week or two, no one really knows. Only our little guy can determine that. 

The ups, we got to hold our son! I sang to him and whispered secrets in his ear. I laid my hand on his chest and watched it rise and fall. Our fragile but strong little boy. He needs so much help to live but also he is so strong to be living. He is small but compared to the other babies in the NICU he is big so he has that going for him. Other ups, the nurses in the NICU are just so wonderful and competent. They give us peace of mind and ease our racing hearts. Another up, my little love decreased how much oxygen he needs, a necessity before discharge. Another up, he tried to eat a little. 

Oh and our last up, we finally named him. Landon. Landon Minoru Uyeda. 

Landon honey, our pride and joy, we love you so much already. We ache with our own helplessness. How we wish we could take this from you and shoulder it ourselves. Keep fighting little love. Keep fighting. Daddy and I, and a host of others, are fighting for you too, the only way we know how, and in the most powerful way ever, by lifting you up to our God. 

Heal my son Jesus. Please heal my son. 

Ahead Of Us

Our boy. Five weeks ahead of his due date. Four weeks ahead of the scheduled c-section. And a million days ahead of us being 'ready'. Yet here he is. Born January 11, 2016 at 5:10pm weighing 6 pounds and 19 1/4 inches. 

Name to be determined. 

Snapshots of the Last Two

In the past few weeks I've had so many posts come, and then go, in my head. Their relevance fading as quickly as my memory these days. Baby brain is a real thing. Yesterday I was talking to our assistant pastor and I called his wife Vanessa. Her name is Valerie. -_- Mercy.

Today I had our 34 week check up. Everything seemed to point towards a healthy baby (yay!) with a big head (oh my!). Not surprising since we were told that with Emerson, and also with my side's history of big heads it was bound to be. Whoops, sorry kids! :p

This time around I'm carrying much more out than I did with Emerson. The first question I get from people is the due date. The second question once they realize it isn't until the beginning of February is if I'm having twins. I know all the well intentions, but honestly it just makes me want to hibernate until the baby is born. I think I'm more affected by all those comments because I look in the mirror and ask myself the same thing all the while hoping no one else has noticed.

In the same breath, I'm so thankful to even be at this point. Truly I am. Right underneath my short term discomfort and ire is a wave of gratitude to my God for allowing my body to do this tiny human thing.

A few memorable moments for us these last two weeks.

Christmas at my parents

two sets of great grandparents!

Hosting Family Christmas for the first time

 

Emerson's first time experiencing falling snow

Josh went back to work today so our normal routine has begun, except for the whole new baby coming thing. Paint has been ordered. Drapes and diapers are headed our way. Newborn clothes are being washed. Meals are being prepped and frozen. You name it. It is happening over here.

Wonderful January to you friends.

Hoping this year brings us all closer to Jesus.And hoping each of us sees Him in a new and amazing way.