Lent has come before the year has even begun. A mom friend asked me if Landon would join a summer camp with her son yesterday. Are we already planning summer? It still feels like January to me. 

For some time I have been mulling over what to do with this ole blog. I am concerned about the capabilities of the inter webs these days and am leaning towards more privacy. I enjoy writing. It helps me organize my thoughts and is a placeholder for remembering. I am also a creature of habit. I will continue on with the spotty posts but will most likely go private soon. I will share access with those I know, please just ask. 

Family birthdays, community restoration, fires, so many spring sports, knotts, family flu, snow, bible project, church. It's all there, like it is for everyone. Sorrow and joy, confidence and fear, the known and unknown, all intermingling and woven together in the tapestry of life. 

He Is

The circled area is our school. The yellow is the fire.

School chapel

7 days into the new year, I was finishing up my BSF meeting and got a call from the kid's school that they were evacuating due to a brush fire. By the time I got there the magnitude of the situation became apparent and the little brush fire had a new name - the Palisades Fire. The air was smoky and there was a frantic feel in the air. Parents were parking at the local grocery store and running up the hill to find their kids who were walking down busy streets filled with cars hastily evacuating. The next few days, our class group chats were full of people's pictures of where their homes used to be. I'll never forget it.

It's been two weeks and now that the smoke has cleared and the school tallied, 142 families and 15 staff lost their homes - half of the school. The entire Palisades community has been lost. A miracle of all miracles, the fire burned right around most of our school. Some buildings were burned but, for the most part, saved. It has been something to be so near to such grief. To hear the intimate details and walk alongside so many families who have lost everything. Everyone from school is safe but, as someone said, just behind the immeasurable loss of life, is the loss of the proof of life. 

I have no reason to complain since my home is standing. The school is setting up in a temporary location for the remainder of the year. By the time they go back, they'll have missed a month of school. I won't lie, having them home, and scrambling to figure out a patchwork of homeschooling, has been hard. 

The irony that I just posted about joy is not lost of me. January came and tested whether that newfound joy was actually in Him. Do my words still ring true in the most grievous situations? My heart is broken for our community but my faith is not. I trust Him because I know Him. 

He is El Roi - the God who sees every bit of our trials and triumphs.

He is Jehovah Rapha - our healer who is faithful to restore, renew, and make whole in every season. 

He is El Shaddai - God Almighty, strong enough to handle every situation.

He is El Elyon - the Lord Most High, nothing is higher or greater or stronger than Him. 

He is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. The Lord of Armies is with us and the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Psalm 46

In the upside down kingdom of God, loss brings gain, death brings life, and sorrow brings joy - so we hold on because this is just the middle of the story. As Katherine Wolfe so poignantly once said, "And still we show up and press on. There will be treasures found in 2025 too."

2024 JOY 2025

Somewhere in the chaos of raising tiny humans I lost my joy. One year turned into two, two years into three, and here I am five years later wondering where the joy went and where the time went too. 

But it needs to be marked that 2024 was the year I began to regain my joy. At first it was pockets of it - a belly aching laugh here, a moment of sparkle there, but inch by inch, one step forward and two steps back, I hesitantly say out loud that I think it is returning to me. 

Many factors helped but the main thing, friends? He has stabilized me with the essential Truth of the gospel. I had to catch up to knowing God - understanding His heart and His ways and then letting that Truth change me. He changes how we see things and how we view people. He removes the need for praise and the debilitating sting of criticism. He heals hearts. He revealed my legalistic mindset and replaced it (is still replacing it) with love and grace. 

On my birthday three different people remarked how they have noticed I am a different person. There could not be a greater compliment! God’s Word has proven true once again - for He has begun to give me the fruits of the Spirit that I had little of before - gentleness, patience, peace, and joy. Julianna Joy - He is returning my name to me. 

Do you remember Cain and Abel, the brothers? Cain was the oldest son, the strong one. The one who was to receive the inheritance and the blessing from his father. Abel’s name in Hebrew is Hebel, which throughout the book of Ecclesiastes means meaningless, a vapor or a mist, here for a moment and then gone. But God took that earthly identity and He crushed it when He gave Abel the blessing instead of Cain. 

We are all Abel’s - and if we choose God we will receive the blessing too. 

“My whole source of joy is in you!” Psalm 87:7

“The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with joy. Psalm 126:3

So I close out 2024 and gingerly step into 2025 with joy - who knew! I’m choosing to cherish my husband and enjoy my kids, study the word, laugh with my friends, lean in to my church community, and all the while, asking God for wild hope in this new year, and praying that with whatever comes, He will continue to swap out my garment of despair for a spirit of joy.

The Thunder is His Voice - Job 37:1-14

Summer is softly winding to a close. It was a memorable few months - Abby officially freed herself of floaties. Emerson played in a new summer softball league. Landon led us through many a puzzle while we all suffered through Abby's first experience with Kumon. We finished up softball! Abby began basketball and Landon continued in it. We said goodbye to Abby's best friend and my dear friend as they moved away. The kids enjoyed sewing camp and VBS, rooting for the Dodgers, and going to the Hollywood Bowl for the first time. 

We decided Abby was old enough for an adventure and whisked the kids to Costa Rica for a week. We closed out our travel with our annual family fishing trip to the Eastern Sierra's. 

Through all our coming and goings, I've been slowly reading the autobiography of the women who started BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). Taking her story with us wherever we went. It was through the intersection of her story and the environment I was in, that God spoke to me. I know that this was not a coincidence. 

While serving as a missionary in China, Audrey Wetherell Johnson, said, “The high school was at the far end of the compound where we missionaries had received our language training and overlooked a large beautiful garden. This is where I had some precious meetings with the Lord in the early days in China. It turned out that my bedroom also overlooked the garden, and I would push my bedding out onto my balcony, cover it with water proofing, and fashion an umbrella over my head. I reveled in the thunderstorms. Remembering what the Bible says in Psalm 29 and again in Job that the thunder is His voice.”

THE THUNDER IS HIS VOICE. 💥 I looked up the references. Job 37:1-14

On our last night in Costa Rica there was the greatest thunderstorm I have ever experienced. The lighting and thunder were clapping back at one another in mighty anger. The wind was blowing and the heavens were pouring. 

Just listen to his thunderous voice

and the rumbling that comes from His mouth.

He lets it loose beneath the entire sky;

His lightning to the end of the earth.

Then there comes a roaring sound;

God thunders with His Majestic voice. (37:2-4)

The thunder is His voice. 

Emerson and I sat huddled in silence under the covers watching the storm unfold before us. 

God thunders wondrously with His voice;

for He does great things that we cannot comprehend. For He says to the snow, "fall to the earth"

and the torrential rains, his mighty torrential rains, 

serve as his sign to all mankind, 

so that all men may know His work. (37:5-7)

The thunder is His voice. 

There in the middle of the greatest thunderstorm ever God revealed Himself to us, moment by moment, thunder by thunder, lighting by lighting!

Keep listening to the thunder of His voice and the rumbling that comes from His mouth. (37:2)

A screenshot of a video of the thunderstorm

Don't miss the miracle! The way that Pilate did (John 19) or the Pharisees (John 9).

And above all, do not forget the strength of your Father. (Isaiah 61:4)

1 Samuel 13

The older kids and I have been working through the book of John together this summer. Top five of my summer highlights for sure! We’ve been having some robust discussions in our pursuit to know God. The fresh way they see scripture shows me a fresh way of seeing God. 

Yesterday the kids and I were talking about what our hearts and response should be towards the homeless and Abby kind of randomly wondered out loud, “but Mama, how do you know what God is telling you to do?”

We talked about the importance of waiting until we know for sure what God wants from us. But waiting actively - waiting for an answer while pursuing God. Not jumping ahead of God’s plans. 

We all grabbed our bibles and found 1 Samuel 13 where Saul, in fear, went ahead of the Lord’s plans and took matters into his own hands thereby stripping himself of the kingship. 

We talked about how impatience and fear leads to pride (thinking we have the answer) and self centeredness (you don’t know what you are doing, I know what I am doing). We talked about how far this is from the purposes and plans of God. 

And there, in the middle of my teaching and leading, God reminded me that I was guilty of this very thing! Josh and I are making some decisions for one of the kids and it dawned on me (or the Holy Spirit nudged me) that we were trying to make the decision without consulting the Lord and before it was clear what the Lord wanted us to do.

Thank you Lord, for using my five year old to save me from myself. Forgive me for trying to make decisions without you. 

I wait on you.

Loneliness and the Danger of Self-Pity

I had an "aha!" moment this morning when I was doing my BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) work. (Which actually happens more often than you'd think and also less often than you'd think. He always is faithful to mold us at the right time when we plunge into the sea to get to Him. John 21:8) 

I love BSF because it keeps me in the Word every day and at the end of the hw there's a note section that always teaches me something profound. My zoom class meets every week to discuss the answers and to see what the Lord has taught us all. It's not perfect but the ladies in my group are a true gift to me in their exuberant and faithful pursuit of God.

This past year one of my private struggles has been loneliness in ministry. Wild how you can work at a church and feel lonely in pursuit of God. But last week I heard Tim Keller say, in an old leadership class, that one of the great dangers of loneliness in church leadership is self-pity. Immediately I felt validated AND sucker punched. Loneliness in church ministry is common! And yes, I could see how sometimes my loneliness led me to dabble in self-pity, not realizing it at the time but certainly in hindsight it was quite obvious. 

I also see how God has used BSF, a group that is completely separate from my church, a group of women who are just as passionate about pursuing Christ as I am, to help me guard against falling into deep self pity. There I have found likeminded women. There I am not lonely.

It's been there this whole time and I never realized it. YEARS! This wasn't some mistake or coincidence. In His lovingkindness, He knew exactly what sin would use to try and trip me up and unbeknownst to me, was quietly protecting me from my own downfall. I can't imagine all of the ways He has done that in the past and in my present, that I'll never know of.

My God - full of great mercy and love. Thank you for saving me from myself! 

If your instruction had not been my delight, I would have died in my affliction. I will never forget your precepts, for you have given me life through them. I am yours. Psalm 119:92-94

Now to Him who is able to protect you from stumbling and to make you stand in the presence of His glory, without blemish and with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, power, and authority before all time, now and forever. Jude 1:24

Gather the pieces that are leftover. Let nothing be wasted.

We are 4 days post Easter and, true to form, I'm a little under the weather. Truth be told, I always feel somewhat discouraged after some big ministry event, sick or not.

"Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted." John 6:12

That time Jesus fed 5000 with just one boys lunch. "Obediently, and no doubt in continued amazement, the 12 disciples collected exactly 12 baskets of leftovers generated by a mere five barley loaves. All 12 disciples held tangible evidence of Jesus's overflowing provision in their hands. A basket for each disciple visibly attested to Jesus's diving power and care for their needs. He provided an opportunity to trust Him, recognize His provision, and exercise wise stewardship. God calls churches and Christian ministries to do the same." - BSF Study of John

The basket of leftovers we hold may not appear lavish - there's not a bigger house, finer clothes, or tropical vacations in it. But it holds something greater than gold - wisdom, steadfastness, the fortitude to continue, peace with the present, and the righteousness of God which leads to a quiet confidence. He pours out His oil on us. 

And it's not just churches and ministries. He calls all of us to 'gather the pieces that are left over' from our hard places and hurts. Let nothing be wasted!

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the Lord's work, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God - who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

LENT - A broken Alleluia

I learned something new (to me) about the practice of Lent. 

Did you know that, dating back to the 13th century, some church denominations have abstained from saying "Alleluia" during the 40 days of Lent? In Hebrew, Alleluia means "Praise God" in a celebratory and joyous way. @littlechapelway (an excellent resource on Lent for kids) said "it is a way we remember with our words that we are in a season of repentance, of turning from and putting to death our sins. There is something poignant about that and yet I think for me, this year, I respectfully break from this symbolic tradition of not saying Alleluia and instead I offer a broken one. 

I will whisper Alleluia through my brokenness and darkness. 

Fully aware of my lack.

Fully aware of my faults.

Fully aware of my mistakes.

Fully aware of my failures. 

And in deep contrast, fully aware of His holiness. 

His glory. 

His grace. 

His love.

In my brokenness, I say through gritted teeth and tear stained cheeks, Alleluia.

I will say it even though

I will say it even if

Alleluia

Church and Haggai

We recently had our annual society meeting at church where we cover the budget from the year previous and approve one for the current year. There was record giving for our little church last year and, while money isn’t everything, it usually is an indication that something good is happening. 

I was reminded of the book of Haggai when God announced, “The final glory of this house will be greater than the first.” 2:9 He was talking about His temple that was in ruins in the city. The temple had been destroyed when the Israelites were conquered and exiled by an enemy. But eventually the Israelites were allowed to return to their homeland, and it was time to rebuild God’s house.

“The final glory of this house will be greater than the first.”I really hope that the glory from our church is greater still to come.

But the promise also comes with a warning. God saw that His people were busy rebuilding their own lives while his house stood in shambles. “…My house still lies in ruins, while each of you is busy with his own house.” 1:9 So on your account I have summoned a drought on all that your hands produce. 1:10-11

God warns: “Think carefully about your ways.” 1:7 because “The silver and gold belong to me.” 2:8

People often talk about serving in the church. And in a small church, it’s all hands-on deck or else it doesn’t happen. Burnout is common. Josh and I have felt this tension as well - trying to faithfully tend to our own house while also serving God’s house. And yes, to finding a balance, but this was a three-fold reminder to me. 

1. God is calling us to build His house.

2. The effort given to God’s house has not been in vain. 

3. Woe to us who’s primary focus is building our own stuff. 

And the reward that comes to those who have the order right?  “I will provide peace in this place.” 2:9 

Lord, may it be so in my family AND in our church.