My Boss

 A few days ago I lost someone I greatly loved. Our community lost a giant. 

Gary was a lot of things to a lot of people. He was a pastor in our church conference before being elected as Superintendent. He was the turn-the-tables-upside-down kind of leader and I was drawn to the shaking he was doing in our old churches. I had graduated college and was working for Yard House Restaurants, traveling around opening new locations for them and developing training material. One night I had a very jarring dream where I was pressed to do something for the Kingdom. I didn't want to get to the gates of heaven and hear that I made a lot of money for a restaurant - so I reached out to Gary. I wanted to do something, could we meet. For no good reason, Gary hired me. I enrolled in grad school. I was passionate and fiery, opinionated, stubborn, judgmental, on fire for God, excited, prideful, and willing to work. Sparks flew between us. Our meetings were routinely mixed with yelling, crying, laughing, and praying. He was just as stubborn as I was and much smarter. Our working chemistry was fire and slightly inappropriate probably. No topic of conversation was off limits. Nothing hidden. 

He went to bat for me. My job in developing leaders within our conference was a new position and many weren't into it. He found an outside person to fund my job. We ran young leader conferences every year, met with pastors, traveled to churches, even had a few interns before that was a thing. Did we do it right? No, not all of it. Did we do it with heart and passion and a love for people and God? Yes. 

Those were formative years for me. I was a strong person and in retrospect, I was oftentimes too much for people in my Japanese American community. Lots of "calm down, J" in response to a passionate idea or the like. Gary wasn't intimidated by who God had created me to be. He reveled in it. He directed it. He honed it. The measure of this man, wow. Ever since that time I have affectionately called him Boss. I've had many of those but he's the one who forever changed me. And therefore changed my husband. My marriage. My children. 

I sobbed like a baby when he passed from death to life. I was driving to praise practice for Christmas Sunday. I'll never forget it. And then I led worship. 

For a long season, O Lord, I considered as an impossibility what I now know as unshakable truth: 

That after loss, pain, tragedy, tears, sorrow, doubt, defeat, and disarray, I will hold a more costly and precious joy than any I have held before; and this not in denial of my loss, but manifest in the very wreckage of it. 

And so I know this unexpected joy is no glib and passing fancy. It is rather the diamond-hard treasure unearthed and recognized only when lesser hopes have collapsed.

It is the knowledge of your unwavering faithfulness, O Christ, now experienced and owned. It is the bright beacon of your promises blooming in the night like signal fires upon mountain peaks. 

I came to the end of my own hope, O God, and found that your hope held me still. I saw through the ruin of my own happiness that your better joy stood firm - an unassailable fortress that even death could not throw down.

From "Thanksgiving at the Return of Joy" liturgy

Lore Wilbert said that we view all our pain, suffering, and sadness, as plates upon which we serve the gospel to ourselves and to others. Nothing is wasted with God. 

May this be true of me. 

Giving Thanks

It was so nice to have our family back under one roof for Thanksgiving this year.  I will never take the gift of being able to gather for granted again. 

Josh did the turkey and it was so good. My Auntie Ruth's infamous seven layer dip made it's comeback and my sister's cranberry cream cheese dip was just as good as I remembered. It was nice to catch up with extended family and to see our kids develop relationships. It was deeply good to get back to our tradition of passing a cup and giving a corn kernel in exchange for sharing what we were all thankful for this year. 

We surprised my niece and nephews with a sleepover in the attic. The kids stayed up late watching a movie and fell asleep while the adults stayed up.

Then my oldest nephew joined me in studying the Word the next morning. The gift of moving home just keeps on giving. 

For my corn kernel I shared that I was so thankful for the grace of God. It is only because of Jesus that we are able to give thanks in the middle of the story, not knowing what the end will be. Even still because we are being crafted and perfected through each day, in each trial, until we are presented perfect. 

Wow. 

Wow. 

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. 

A Way in the Wilderness

 My Auntie Trish (mom's younger sister) went to be with the Lord last week. After two long months, they finally took her off the ventilator and she peacefully passed thereafter.

She was one who didn't believe in the vaccine. I don't say that with malice, but with great sorrow. There's a different ache when the loss could have been avoided. Propaganda and politics prey most on the weak, doesn't it? 

I recently began a study of the book of Matthew with BSF (Bible Study Fellowship). I read somewhere (and it stuck with me) how much wilderness there is in the first few chapters of Matthew - Joseph, Mary, Jesus, the boys slaughtered at the hands of Herod, the Magi. Real tragedy for real people.

Sorrow also feels like one big wilderness. 

It reminds me of Hagar, right in the beginning of time. There, after the fall of man, an actual wilderness coupled with real sorrow. And God, being omnipotent, gave her an actual well of water..in the middle of the wilderness! God didn't take her out of the wilderness, but He provided for her while she was in it. 

Yes, we are consoled that my Auntie Trish is, right at this moment, restored, safe, accepted, and free. There is nothing like eternal hope. And for us, still mourning here on earth? There is the great promise that He "will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" and not only that but God also promises that He is even "doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?" 

A way in the wilderness. 

The storm is the promise. 

This is what I hold to today. 

Prolonged Grief

Lately the weight of the emotionally hard things is bearing down on me. Has it for you? Over here, my Auntie Trish is on a ventilator, fighting Covid. The broken homes because of Covid and the division of the people. The Afghan Christians fleeing to the hills as death chases them. The people who are desperate to get out. The ones who are out and are on their own. The kids without their parents. The ones left behind. Oh! The grief is too much! All through the day I find myself praying under my breath, "hide them! save them! feed them! encourage them! save her! save them!" 

The weight of sorrow makes everything else harder to hold. Harder to be present with my kids. Harder to handle the stressful things. Harder to have joy. 

But I've learned something important from the bible about prolonged grief. 

In 1 Kings, it details a period of drought for the people of Israel. There was a very harsh famine for years and so many people suffered. Along with this, the people had been beset with bad leaders, bad kings one after another. And after three years God told the prophet Elijah, that a storm was coming. This is what it says:

And Elijah said to Ahab, "Go up, eat and drink, for there is the sound of the rushing of rain." So Ahab went up to eat and to drink. And Elijah went up to the top of Mount Carmel. And he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. And he said to his servant, "Go up now, look toward the sea," Ad he went up and looked and said, "There is nothing," And he said, "Go again," seven times. And at the seventh time he said, "behold a little cloud like a man's hand is rising from the sea. And he said, "Go up, say to Ahab, Prepare your chariot and go down, lest the rain stop you." And in a little while the heavens grew black with clouds and wind, and there as a great rain. And Ahab rode and went to Jezreel. And the hand of the Lord was on Elijah, and he gathered up his garment and ran before Ahab to the entrance of Jezreel. 1 Kings 18: 41 - 46

It seems to me like we are in the middle of a storm, after these last few years of famine. But I was struck that oftentimes the storm is the promise. 

The storm is the promise! 

I know this is counter cultural to everything we know about the way out, but hey! Jesus is the leader of the upside down Kingdom - the One who walked with the needy, washed the feet of the people, and chastised the religious leaders. The One who cared not a lick about money or title or religious rules. The one who offered salvation for free!

Therefore, the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. 

Keep reading Isaiah 30:18-27, the resolution is a promises for the ages. A promise for you and me. 

And remember: "The Lord has said that he would dwell in thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12 And since, with the death and resurrection of Jesus, we are now the temple of the Holy Spirit, then He dwells in us in the midst of thick darkness. 

Faith = Rest

I have had some building anxiety about the worship team these last few months. I am losing my intern, who's giftings have brought my hopes for songs to life. My most talented piano player is leaving for college this September, and my mainstay friend who happens to play three instruments, is taking a long break. 

Whenever the fear of what won't be crept in, I'd whisperer, "Trust in the Lord, J. He will provide." These words, ingrained in my heart from my father, helped but the fear was still there. Last Sunday, before everyone arrived, it was just me in the chapel, sitting in the presence of God, and I poured out my fears to Him.

God! I'm afraid the music won't be good. 
God, my heart sinks having to sing songs that I know never reach what they should be.
God, I dread the unending tension of not having consistent instruments.
God, I'm tired!
God, take this cup from me!

He led me to this verse.

And those who are far off shall come and help to build the temple of the Lord. And you shall know that the Lord of hosts has sent me to you. And this shall come to pass, if you will diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God. Zechariah 6:15

And just on the neighboring page, Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts! Zechariah 4:6

What God!? And I sobbed in front of the team that morning, confessing my fears. So here I am, resting in the faith that God will provide, because I am diligently trying to seek the voice of God, and because His favor is on the church, the people of the church, and on the leadership of the church. 

And this week every time that fear began to well up in my spirit, I'd take myself to the stream of life. And oh boy! He has been teaching me so much about what it means to rest in Him while working for Him. And here's the mind blowing answer which seems so dang obvious but is brand new to me, faith = rest. 

May this truth settle over your heart and mind today, too. 

Just Shy of 40

This week I completed my first in depth study of a book of the bible - Galations. I'm embarrassed to claim that, just shy of my 40th birthday, but it just highlights God's goodness and graciousness. After all these years, He never gave up on me. He never closed the door. He never removed His lamp stand. 

I've learned so much and I'm different. Sure, I still struggle with all the fruits of the Spirit but my heart is less about the law, less about my way, more about choosing love. I was talking with a fellow worship leader/friend about ministry today and, after commiserating about some mutual struggles, she said to me, "I can see the heart of Christ in you." 

I took that and stored it in my heart and mind for what a huge accomplishment for me! I am different with Christ in me. Thank you, Jesus!

For God to allow me to glean and see and learn more about Him and bring me into His fold of richness and love after all this time is not overlooked by me. Grace on grace on grace. 

It's never too late to begin. 

He's waiting for you.

Big Sur: Wild and Free

Last week we took a vacation to Big Sur a week before school was out but it was a must-go-bucket-list type of place and that's when it was available. We stayed at the Big Sur Campground and Cabins in the quaintest little cabins. My parents went, my sister and her family, and us five. We even decided to bring  Goggle Girl along and in hindsight, didn't regret that decision. lol 

It was nice to be camping in a cabin. I'd recommend it 100 percent. lol

We ate by the fire every night, explored the tide pools at the beach, played a family game of football, buried Austie, hiked to a waterfall, went tubing down the river, cliff jumped, found crabs, had sleepovers, stayed up late, played catch and hide and seek and basketball, made a new friend, melted s'mores every night, and just lived outdoors, wild and free. It was amazing. 

We came home to the end of year craziness. And while I'm feeling behind with all the things that need to get done this week, I wouldn't have changed all the wonderfulness of last week to make this week any easier. Momentary bouts of being overwhelmed don't hold a candle to memories that will last a lifetime. 

Summer is already off to a good start.

Bamboo and Ten Years

Josh and I have been married for ten years and here's the truth, this last year has been the hardest one. I've learned that what seems so strong is actually quite fragile just beneath the surface and like all things, takes intention, respect, time, and the forever leaning in and loving. 

Nothing significant happened, we don't have a big story of what went wrong, just the slow quiet tension that builds in the unknowing dark when the world you build is suddenly shaken up. The forced resettling of Josh working from home, the kids being home and me having to teach them, a toddler, me working, ayai! As you know, it's hard to really reflect on what's happening when you're in the middle of the whirlwind. But now that there's a better grasp of the virus and the kid's lives are lived outside of our walls again, there's a second to take a breath and turn my eyes to my husband. And to us. 

A while back our neighbor trimmed all of her weeds and suddenly the space between our homes was very open and very stark. I looked at a handful of pictures on pinterest and had the grand idea that bamboo was the answer! So Josh, in his ways, researched bamboo. Did you know there are over 1,000 species of bamboo? He narrowed the search, found a place in OC that sold that variety, measured, bought it, hired a guy to dig a hole, planted them, and watered them every day on his lunch break for months until he could install a drip line. All because I had an idea. 

And of course, under his attentive care, the bamboo is flourishing. 

Every time I look out our windows, I am reminded of Josh's deep love for me. His commitment to us. This whole house really is my reminder of the lengths he'll go for us. 

 

And just yesterday, he was telling me that there are new shoots coming up. That's what happens when you nurture something isn't it? 

So this tenth year is my reminder to not take the gift I have been given for granted and to nurture my marriage with intention and respect. 

Songs of Solomon is such an intimate book in the bible, often cringe worthy, but I was reading it the other day and I was so struck by the intimacy and adoration. This is how intimate we should be with the Lord and how connected we should be with our spouse. And this verse, I can't get it out of my head. For my husband and also for my Lord.

 "Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on the one she loves." Songs of Solomon 8:5 

Oh, here I am, nbd giving it all to God while holding my girl who is wearing swim floaties at church and eating a popsicle. That unfazed attitude.. I just can't. 

Love this girl. 

 

April Update

We did a lot of stuff in April but this was, by far, the most noteworthy.

Just between you and me, I don't understand people who are refusing to get the shot buuuut I'm going to love them anyway because JESUS. 

Feels like summer today, and also feels hopeful, even in the tension, lots and lots of hope.

My Alabaster Jar

Do you know how I've been wondering why, oh why God put me in this worship leader position? Goodness gracious, it has been the mystery of my days trying to fathom why I am here - at this point in time. But I'm still here, just trying to be obedient and faithful to where He wants me. 

It's been a little over a year since I took this role officially and I have learned so much in that time. I've never done this before so it has been a journey learning from people around me and then forming my own way through it. I've come to the realization that one of the reasons (maybe the reason?!) God has me here has nothing to do with music.  Imagine that! 

These last few years of eager pursuit of Jesus, I have been left with an insatiable thirst for more of Him. I can feel the desire to draw near to Him when I've been away from His Word. My whole heart yearns for God! And it has come to me, that this very zeal for God is what I have to offer. The pursuit itself is my Alabaster jar. 

"And there was a woman of the city, a sinner, when she learned that Jesus was reclining at the table in the Pharisee's house, brought an alabaster flask of ointment, and standing behind him at his feet, weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair on her head and kissed his feet and anointed them with ointment." - Luke 7:37

This woman, oh! May I be a reflection of her. 

There is also no greater time for true, pure, undefiled worship to rise on the earth than now. I can feel it growing in the hidden places. God is raising up those with clean hands and pure hearts. When the counterfeit is widely circulated, the genuine becomes that much more distinct, precious and powerful. That which is done from love and love alone, is pure. We will find all else was noise before His throne, all other motives and agendas found wanting before Him. - The Reset, Jeremy Riddle

Coming Home and the Value of the In-Between

I have been given the greatest gift that I didn't know I needed. I get a front row seat to people returning to church for the first time in over a year. Seems like I have cried every week now since we went back in person seeing people return since receiving the vaccine.

And the people back are just as touched. So many come up to me after service with tears in their eyes. The text messages I have been receiving are my weekly encouragement to get back up and do it again. There is so much life!

CHURCH COMMUNITY IS SUCH A BIG DEAL. 

I recently had a discussion with some fellow moms about activities that we plan on enrolling our children in and why - everything is getting back to it and we are all trying to not end up over scheduled as we were before the pandemic hit - the sports, musical instruments, playdates, summer activities, small groups, etc. But one of the no brainers was swim lessons because learning how to swim is a safety issue.  

Being engaged in church community falls in the same "no brainer" category because the Bible says so. It's not about the worship. Or even the message. But it's the in-between that matters. It's the conversation before service starts, who you get to sit near, or who you end up walking next to as you head to your cars. For our church this past Sunday, we had a very powerful moment with a man who recently lost his wife. Sure, you could have watched it on the livestream but anyone not there missed the whole picture. They didn't get to extend their hands with their neighbors, they didn't see the people kneeling around Karl as they petitioned to God on his behalf, they didn't have the chance to greet him afterwards. And that is just one person. 

The body of Christ is such a integral part of our faith. 

"And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as in the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." Hebrews 10:24-25

"If anyone among you is suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. " James 5:13-16

I recently encouraged the praise team members to not be lazy in their pursuit of Christ. I am praying that the church as a whole, across the whole world, does the same - gets up on Sunday morning, gets dressed, and resumes the act of obedience by engaging in God's community. 

Life and life in abundance waits. 

How It's Going So Far

I've made some minor life adjustments this year. That's what I'm calling them instead of resolutions because the connotation of that leaves a cringy feeling. lol  I've decided that I need to give Jesus my first fruits so instead of reading my bible before I go to bed, I've been reading it in the morning before the kids get up. This is no easy feat friends! but, so far, it has gone smoother than expected. And truth is this way is FIRE. I'm so settled and prepared for the day. I'm zoned and focus on Jesus' way - all the curve balls of the day don't seem so anxiety inducing. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in my marriage and in my way with the kids. 

The other thing I'm doing is not checking social media around the kids. You heard me right, Insta has to wait! To be honest, this one has actually been harder than the early morning thing. I'm trying to be more present with the kids when it's just me and I don't think I actually realized how often I'd turn to scroll - like during any down point or transition.  I'm embarrassed to say, truly. And my worry of the day dragging on and never ending, well, some moments are slow but an unfounded fear overall. 

Tweaks guys. 

Just trying to make sure the engine is a well oiled and functioning machine. 

This past Sunday, Josh and I were serving at church at the same time. While that once was normal, we haven't been in church together in a year so it was so nice to be together, at church. What I once took for granted..

But every time I see this picture I snapped on Sunday, I'm reminded of my hopes and dreams when we were living in Santa Clarita. Years ago I prayed for a church to dig our heels into, a place for Josh to serve in a meaningful way that would grow him and help the church, and a place for me too. This picture is a clear answer to prayer and a reminder of God's faithfulness. Sure, it may look different for now, but wow, I'm blown away. 

At each and every sunrise I will be thanking you for your kindness and your love. 

As the sun sets and all through the night, I will keep proclaiming, "You are so faithful!" 

Melodies of praise will fill the air as every musical instrument, joined with every heart, overflows with worship. 

No wonder I'm so glad, I can't keep it in!

 Lord, I'm shouting with glee over all you've done, for all you've done for me.

Psalm 92 

Oh, 2020!

We were not immune from hard things in 2020. My dad lost his dad early in the year and my mom lost her mom to Covid in the summer. I struggled with teaching the kids from home and having Abby underfoot. Marriage was hard. The weight of why God put me in the worship leader job, at this time, I still cannot fathom. A full time job that I was only able to give a fraction of my time to, and the insecurity of my mediocre voice booming into the homes in our community. 

I do not pretend to understand God's ways.

All of the tensions this year that encircled the election, the Black Lives Matter Movement, the fires, the pandemic. A world in crisis. Not one of us was left unscathed. 

I do not pretend to understand God's ways.

But in that, my children were safe and healthy. Our home was a wonderful place to have to shelter in. My parents and Josh's parents were safe and our siblings and their families too. Praise God.

I saw the purest hearts at work. People willing to meet week after week, for months at a time, volunteers unpaid, serving the church community with their gifts. 

Josh was able to work from home.

My mother in law, who in her quiet yet consistent way, helped us with the children so much - meals, activities, time away, games, laughter, fun. She kept their minds occupied and their hands full, and in doing so, provided Josh and I with respite. 

I do not pretend to understand God's ways, nor do I think I need to know.

"Our truest joy will be found in the acceptance of what God has given and trust that He has a better plan. Just as Joseph's pit led Him to Pharaoh's court, the walk of wandering brought the Israelites to the Promised land, Sarah's insults pushed Hagar to the well, Christ's bloody death brought new life for all of creation - God's way, though often uncomfortable and upside-down, is always the better way."  -paraphrased from Laura Wifler.

And because I kept my nose in the Book of Life I was "like a tree planted by streams of water which yields its fruit in season, and whose leaf does not wither." (Psalm 1)

Thank you, Jesus. Great is your faithfulness! Great is your Name!