El Kana and El Elyon

I have been learning so much from this kid's book. The kid's and I have been going through the different names of God and WOW. John Piper nailed it when he said, "the God she sees, savors, and sets forth here is unabashedly big."  

I am going though the book of Hosea in my bible study and it's a doozy. Hosea was the last prophet to prophesy before the northern kingdom fell to Assyria - ending a golden age of peace of prosperity. A peace and prosperity that also brought moral decay. 

God is El Elyon, Most High. 

What does it mean to be the most? Being the most means it is the greatest. No one and nothing can be as great as God. 

God is El Kana, a Jealous God. 

There shall be no other God's before me. (Exodus 20:3) But He must be the Most High in our hearts. 

As I was reading through the first two chapters of Hosea, I was reminded of this book that taught me God is El Elyon and El Kana. And I wrote this prayer in my bible: 

Lord, would you be the Most High in Josh's heart!

Lord, would you be the Most High in Emerson's heart!

Lord, would you be the Most High in Landon's heart!

Lord, would you be the Most High in Abby's heart!

Lord, would you be the Most High in my heart.

And for you, stranger and friend, as you join me on this journey. Say it out loud. 

Lord, would you be the Most High in my heart. (Psalm 47:1-2)

"I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day"

Maybe I'm telling no one with this but for legal purposes I am obligated to say that I am not sending a Christmas card out this year. Low key, it's awesome guys. I didn't have to struggle with the outfits and the pics, we saved hundreds of dollars, and I don't have a stack of mail to write, collate, seal, stamp, and send.

As those of you who have been around know, I LOVE Christmas cards, but just because I miss it one year doesn't mean the tradition is dead. Holding perspective so I can hold onto my sanity this year too. 

It's not just the Christmas cards that have been put aside. We decided to not do Disneyland at Christmas, turned down a few asks for hosting parties, didn't book the Nutcracker with my girl, rsvp'ed no to parties.. Being real intentional this year in an effort to be a good person to my husband and my children. It's going great so far! Highly recommend holiday boundaries (so far lol). 

Making room for God especially. I'm not too tired to spend time with Him. It's been soul giving. And holding space for sorrow around us this year. This week alone two of our dear friends have lost a parent and another leader from school was diagnosed with serious cancer. 

I read this article on Insta this morning and boy, please go read it if you too are holding on to real sorrow in this season. 

You have heard the name Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, poet and literary critic, but it is his story that makes his work even more remarkable. After sudden loss and much trial and tribulation in his personal life - "he wrote a poem seeking to capture the dynamic and dissonance in his own heart and the world he observes around him that Christmas Day. He heard the Christmas bells ringing and the singing of "peace on earth", but he observed the world of injustice and violence that seemed to mock the truthfulness of this optimistic outlook. 

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on earth, good-will to men."

The theme of listening recurs through the poem, eventually leading to a settledness of confident hope even in the midst of bleak despair as he recounts to himself that God is alive and righteousness shall prevail."

Just like HWL, if we are listening for the voice of God, we will see that even in the darkness God is working for our good and His glory. He never stops. He never stops. He never stops. 

Average-ness & the Awareness of God

Truth is, I've always struggled with mediocrity. It has plagued me my whole life. Mediocre in school, looks, talent, effort, etc. 

The average-ness is astounding really. I’m a so-so cook and only so-so at exercise. I’m sometimes good at parenting and sometimes good at being a wife. I’ve tested average intelligence. I’m decent at games. I’m somewhat athletic. Always *this* close.

Looking back, I somehow even used my average-ness to think I was superior to others. Certainly nothing I would have admitted out loud but glaringly obvious in hindsight. 

I’m not telling you all this to be self deprecating. Here’s the truth of it - I’m coming to realize that all of my average was a true gift from God, for surely, if I had actually been great at any one thing, I would have no need to bend the knee to God - or even needing a Savior for I would have been my own Savior. In keeping me from being great, He saved me from building a life around my own self. 

See the parable of the talents!

Instead I find myself aware of my brokenness and failings and also all the more in awe of God’s astounding love and grace to stay with me, love me, and use me. 

I learned in BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), that in the end, God, not any human being, is the hero of the Bible, and the hero in our own stories. (2 Chronicles 20:35-37) Not us. Thank you, Lord! 

So what are we to do with the realization of such average-ness and weakness? 

“Our weakness is not news to God. He understands the limitations of the mortals He’s formed from dust. We, however, struggle to shed our illusion of superpowers. Will you trust that God has made you weak in all the right places to shine His glory through the cracks in your clay pot? What is God revealing as He tenderly teaches you to trust Him? How is God purposefully exposing your weakness to draw you to Himself?” Kingdom Divided study, BSF

Geez. YES!

I was talking with my co-worship leader the other day. Someone whom God has given many talents. We were talking about his talents and, just as in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14)  the importance of not squandering the gifts given to Him by God - to be used for his good and God's glory. God knew I needed less talents so that I would not squander them with self righteousness. My friend was entrusted with more talents - will he use them for purpose for what they were given? 

Are you using your talents for the purpose for what they were given? 

Merriment & Memories

It was our third year hosting Thanksgiving and we had so much fun. Somehow we squeezed 25 people into our little house and spent the night decorating cookies, sharing, eating yummy food, passing around homemade desserts, playing charades with the adults, and watching movies on the deck with the kids. We ended the night with s'mores. Much merriment and memories. 

Emily and Noah

 It is with joy, and great love, that we welcome Emily into the family. 

Aimee and I like to say that Noah is more of our little [big] brother than our cousin because we have grown up together. He is an only child and his family started coming to our church during his formidable years. Besides seeing him every week we also spent all the holidays together. We've been to all of his major life celebrations and were so proud to bear witness to the biggest one yet.

The wedding was simple but beautiful. It was a family event - Dad did the ceremony, the kids were ring bearers and flower girls, and Blane was the best man. The most memorable moments - Noah and Auntie Ruth dancing to Great is Thy Faithfulness, Abby and Emi, Blane's speech, Em in her dress, the kid table + individualized boxes for each kid complete with colored pencils, yummy treats, and with a handmade and personalized activity sheet. Em's gifts of creativity and care on display.

We decided to let the kids stay up to celebrate and, while they may be suffering at school this morning, it sure was worth it. The kids all had a blast. But the joy in Abby's heart, on her face, and in her feet when it came time to dance - none of us will soon forget. She was nonstop on the dance floor for at least an hour - dancing with strangers, pulling people out to join her, elation plastered across her wide grin while she jumped, danced, spun, and twirled.

Mom texted me on her drive home that night. 

While the sentiments are flattering, the truth is only Abby (and each of us) get to decide if we will chose joy in the Lord. It's one thing to know all of the truths about God in your head, but it's quite another to take that head knowledge and actually let it change our hearts. This is emotional maturity in Christ. 

May we all chose the joy of the Lord, even in the most sorrowful of times. It is there that the scope of the power of God is revealed. 

 Abby took her school pics the other day. Her teacher sent me this.

Even though the picture won't show it, I'll always remember that she was holding her blankey. *cue crying face

I've been listening to Phylicia Masonheimer's podcast, Verity. She is a theologian who dissects the Bible is a way that is understandable and relatable. She is full of grace and I've been so thankful for her perspective, teachings, wisdom, and the way she weaves everything through the lens of the Word. 

I recently listened to her podcast on grief and boy, run don't walk, if you've ever walked through a hard thing. 

Life is one thing to the next and I am doing some of it well and some of it not but I hope that my imperfections are a way of seeing a perfect God redeem, restore, heal, love. How God takes sin and uses it for our good and His glory. Phew. Where would we be without it? Thank you God.

Some snapshots of life:

Significance, Influence, and the way of the Cross.

Have you taken the Strengths Finders test? I have, several times. I've always loved my top two strengths but my third strength, oh that third strength, was always an embarrassment to me. I was ashamed of it. 

 
Significance - You want to be very significant in the eyes of other people. In the truest sense of the word, you want to be recognized. 

Even writing that feels shameful. (Lord, help me to embrace how you have made me and submit it to you. Use every part of me for your glory.) But for many years I did strive and feel validated by achievement. But in these last few years, the more I've grown closer to the Lord, the more God began reframing my heart and mind to see only God as significant and me as the worshipper. My role as the woman in the Bible who used her most precious oil to pour it on her Savior's feet. I tell you all this because in my little corner of leading, I see that the need for influence has permeated our culture - both in and out of the church. 

Louie Giglio recently said that (and I paraphrase) instead of trying to start some big ministry, this next gen should join what is already going so they can learn how to lead - by serving. 

Timothy Willard recently had this to say on the topic: 

we now live in a culture where influence is currency. And anyone with enough money or with enough provocation can gain influence. It is now sought by even the younger generations. I mean, we literally call people with big followings "influencers". Why do we call them that? Because we associate scale of platform with credential. Now anyone with a following can say something about a topic and be considered an expert even if they possess nothing but a hobbyist's curiosity. We're told leadership is influence so we do our best to build influence and that is done these days by building "a following". We say, I want to lead so I better build a following. How do I know this? Because I've been in meetings with orgs and church "leaders" who've literally said; "I want to leverage my influence" or "I need a book deal to gain a following". What I am saying is that it's inaccurate to say that leadership is influence. It's not. 

If leadership is always connected to the actions of the followers then emerging generations will not understand that you can lead by standing alone. What if we expressed the idea of leadership as less of how your followers respond and more about the type of person you and I seek to be as people on the frontiers of life - going first, guiding, showing by the way we conduct ourselves" Think of C.S. Lewis. His influence still swells like a cultural tidal wave. Did he seek influence? Or did he keep his inner circle small, put his head down and do the work..?" Think of those men and women in your life who are not well known (cultural currency of influence) yet do the work of taking you by the hand and humbly guiding you to the stream that gives life. It is the man or woman who does the hard work in the quiet humbly before the Lord, lovingly guiding the ones God puts in his/her care, who leads with beauty and elegance. 

Now there's an idea. what if we associated leadership less with business world terms and instead associated great leadership with elegance, beauty, humility, harmony, virtue? There's a better way to teach the young about leadership. I believe it begins in the wilderness not the social media feed. It begins with the understanding the upside down ideas in Jesus' economy of influence: "... servant of all."

Jesus didn't go to the cross to gain significance, Jesus went to the cross out of obedience (Matt Redman). And look what happened. From His obedience, came the significance. 

Lord, search our hearts and minds, purify our intentions and desires, so it is only you we strive to serve, not our own egos. 

To God! To God! To God!

What Is Worship To You?

Last Sunday we had a ministry fair after church. I was in the worship booth and I had a board up with the question, "What is worship to you?". People wrote their thoughts and tacked it up. I took a picture of it and cleaned up. A few days later I went to read the responses and I was surprised to see that Emerson had added a few post-it's.

Ever since I've been leading worship I've been searching to understand what exactly worship is. All throughout the Bible there is the constant theme of worshipping the Lord before, during, and after. David himself was such a consistent worshipper, always coming to God for everything. Job even worshipping through all his trials simply by turning to God with his questions and lament. The way the Lord's Prayer is laid out is a telling how-to on how to worship. How the living creatures in the book of revelation worship. Wow!

Matt Redman and Jeremy Riddle have an excellent podcast dissecting different aspects of worship. They said that worship is going into the presence of God together. Like a priesthood. 

I love that Emerson said the worship is, "showing faith in the Lord with and without beauty". 

Sally Michael said, "To want, think about, and love something most of all, and do anything to get it, is called "worship"."

To me, worship is an offering to the Lord in response to the glory of the Lord. It is a means of articulating our devotion and gratitude and for who He is. But one thing I'd like to note is that there is nothing here about how I/we feel. Worship is not about us or what we are getting out of it. Sure, oftentimes God uses the Holy Spirit to turn our hearts to Him during worship, but we don't come to worship expecting to receive - we come to worship to give. 

Three things I feel convicted about with worship is: 

1. How important it is when leading to produce worshippers of God and not worshippers of entertainment. - Riddle 

2. How crucial it is in my role to display how big God is. If we understand how big and holy He is then we can trust Him with our whole lives - problems, present, future, and our past.

3. "Success" as a worship leader is not in the sound that is produced or the amount of people willing to serve, or in the perfection of the set, but in the heart that is coming before the Lord. Search my heart Lord! God will do the rest.

Here are the questions I ask myself all the time:

- Is my heart humble? 

- Am I disciplined in pursuing God through His Word everyday? 

- Are my decisions, feelings, letdowns, and victories focused on pleasing the Lord (and not man)? 

I wasn't planning on writing about worship today so my thoughts are a bit scattered. There's so much more but for now, this is a good start. I'd love to hear your thoughts on worship too. 

Dad's Retirement

The end of summer came with my dad retiring from head pastor at Venice FM Church. 44 years and 3 months. 

I've been studying the life of David through Beth Moore's Breaking Free workbook. What a gift she has been to helping me grow closer to the Lord! One of the many things that she talks about is how flawed David was. He made so many mistakes, HUGE mistakes like killing people he shouldn't have, consorting with the enemy, having more than one wife, etc. That is not the case for other people in the Bible but the reason it was so for David was because He never failed to turned his heart to the Lord. Look at the Psalms. He was constantly praising God in the good and asking God for his protection in the bad. Regardless of circumstance he was humbling himself before God. "While others are prone to wander, David was prone to praise." - BM

How beautiful it is that we can make mistakes and still be clothed in righteousness! Dad made mistakes as head pastor. How could he not? He is human. He is one man. But his ministry lasted the span of his life. God clothed him in righteousness, simply because he kept his eyes, heart, and mind on Jesus. How freeing that we can make a bunch of mistakes but God will still use our lives for His good. Therefore, we are not the sum of our inadequacies and failings. Our identity is not in our mistakes but in the grace of God! Hallelujah! 

As a mother to my children, I am not the sum of my failings.

As a worship leader, "success" isn't built on my own gifts. 

As a wife, our success is not dependent on how bad I am at it. 

God's promises are true. If we keep our eyes on Him, if our lips are always giving Him our heartache or praising Him for His glory, if we are pursuing God, then he will take what sin means for evil and use it for His good. 

Your good. My good. His good. 

Summer 2022

I ended the last post with "16 days left of school". Well, as of today there are 15 days left of summer - and what a summer it has been. 

I grew up loving summer, as I'm sure most of you did. The slow and endless days were a breath onto my soul. Over the years, the gift of summer has certainly shifted. There's the joy of seeing the babies experience the beach and enjoy a popsicle. And then once they start school the slower morning and the long afternoons. 

But this year something changed. We decided to send Emerson to Hume Lake and I went along to be her counselor. It was terribly taxing. Even though I grew up going to camp and leading camps, it hits different when you're 40 and sleeping in a rustic wagon caring for 7 other girls for a week. The girls are barely old enough to be gone from their parents for that long so they need help with the basics - tying their shoes, showering, etc. But the reward was great. So many of my daughter's friends grew deep in their relationship with the Lord. My own included. And we were also able to pour into other moms and counselors. Kingdom work. 

This summer we also joined 10 other families and partnered with YWAM to build two homes for two deserving families in Mexico. We returned yesterday. It was also hard and taxing and equally rewarding. More Kingdom work. And there was also hard and hurts there to which I could only cling to the promises and encouragement from the Word of God as my refuge. 

I half joked that I need a respite from this summer - some 5 star hotel with just me, my bible, a few good books, and Josh. You'll find me at the adult only pool except during my appointment at the spa. lol Physically and emotionally I am taxed but spiritually I am filled to the brim. Josh and my first mission together. Emerson and Landon's first mission, first time in Mexico, first time seeing great need. A stark contrast from their lives. Emerson really grew up at camp and grew in her faith. 

2 Corinthians 12:15 has been my daily reminder this summer. At Hume I prayed the words over my heart every morning. "I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls."

The unintentional theme of my summer. 

Our family is learning the different Names of God this summer. Jehovah Shammah, meaning The Lord is There. Just as He never left the Israelites and would instead guide them by day in a pillar of clouds, and by night with a pillar of Fire. The same way he gave Hagar a well in the wilderness. Just how He was with David while he fled to the mountains and sought sanctuary with his enemies. Just as he took Abigail from a terrible marriage and gave her a seat of prominence. Jehovah Shammah - He has never left us, especially on the hard days. 

 Abby went to the doctor's in her storm trooper costume the other week. 

The staff was quite amused. Her doctor returned with a Darth Vader sticker..to which Abby corrected her and said it was Kylo Ren. 😅 Tell me you're a third child without telling me you're a third child. hah

But it seems our house has been perpetually sick for the last three months. We keep testing but it seems to be everything but Covid - which I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Either way, I'd sure appreciate a break from it all. 

16 school days left.