Prolonged Grief

Lately the weight of the emotionally hard things is bearing down on me. Has it for you? Over here, my Auntie Trish is on a ventilator, fighting Covid. The broken homes because of Covid and the division of the people. The Afghan Christians fleeing to the hills as death chases them. The people who are desperate to get out. The ones who are out and are on their own. The kids without their parents. The ones left behind. Oh! The grief is too much! All through the day I find myself praying under my breath, "hide them! save them! feed them! encourage them! save her! save them!" 

The weight of sorrow makes everything else harder to hold. Harder to be present with my kids. Harder to handle the stressful things. Harder to have joy. 

But I've learned something important from the bible about prolonged grief. 

In 1 Kings, it details a period of drought for the people of Israel. There was a very harsh famine for years and so many people suffered. Along with this, the people had been beset with bad leaders, bad kings one after another. And after three years God told the prophet Elijah, that a storm was coming. This is what it says:

And Elijah said to Ahab, "Go up, eat and drink, for there is the sound of the rushing of rain." So Ahab went up to eat and to drink. And Elijah went up to the top of Mount Carmel. And he bowed himself down on the earth and put his face between his knees. And he said to his servant, "Go up now, look toward the sea," Ad he went up and looked and said, "There is nothing," And he said, "Go again," seven times. And at the seventh time he said, "behold a little cloud like a man's hand is rising from the sea. And he said, "Go up, say to Ahab, Prepare your chariot and go down, lest the rain stop you." And in a little while the heavens grew black with clouds and wind, and there as a great rain. And Ahab rode and went to Jezreel. And the hand of the Lord was on Elijah, and he gathered up his garment and ran before Ahab to the entrance of Jezreel. 1 Kings 18: 41 - 46

It seems to me like we are in the middle of a storm, after these last few years of famine. But I was struck that oftentimes the storm is the promise. 

The storm is the promise! 

I know this is counter cultural to everything we know about the way out, but hey! Jesus is the leader of the upside down Kingdom - the One who walked with the needy, washed the feet of the people, and chastised the religious leaders. The One who cared not a lick about money or title or religious rules. The one who offered salvation for free!

Therefore, the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. 

Keep reading Isaiah 30:18-27, the resolution is a promises for the ages. A promise for you and me. 

And remember: "The Lord has said that he would dwell in thick darkness." 1 Kings 8:12 And since, with the death and resurrection of Jesus, we are now the temple of the Holy Spirit, then He dwells in us in the midst of thick darkness. 

Faith = Rest

I have had some building anxiety about the worship team these last few months. I am losing my intern, who's giftings have brought my hopes for songs to life. My most talented piano player is leaving for college this September, and my mainstay friend who happens to play three instruments, is taking a long break. 

Whenever the fear of what won't be crept in, I'd whisperer, "Trust in the Lord, J. He will provide." These words, ingrained in my heart from my father, helped but the fear was still there. Last Sunday, before everyone arrived, it was just me in the chapel, sitting in the presence of God, and I poured out my fears to Him.

God! I'm afraid the music won't be good. 
God, my heart sinks having to sing songs that I know never reach what they should be.
God, I dread the unending tension of not having consistent instruments.
God, I'm tired!
God, take this cup from me!

He led me to this verse.

And those who are far off shall come and help to build the temple of the Lord. And you shall know that the Lord of hosts has sent me to you. And this shall come to pass, if you will diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God. Zechariah 6:15

And just on the neighboring page, Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts! Zechariah 4:6

What God!? And I sobbed in front of the team that morning, confessing my fears. So here I am, resting in the faith that God will provide, because I am diligently trying to seek the voice of God, and because His favor is on the church, the people of the church, and on the leadership of the church. 

And this week every time that fear began to well up in my spirit, I'd take myself to the stream of life. And oh boy! He has been teaching me so much about what it means to rest in Him while working for Him. And here's the mind blowing answer which seems so dang obvious but is brand new to me, faith = rest. 

May this truth settle over your heart and mind today, too. 

Just Shy of 40

This week I completed my first in depth study of a book of the bible - Galations. I'm embarrassed to claim that, just shy of my 40th birthday, but it just highlights God's goodness and graciousness. After all these years, He never gave up on me. He never closed the door. He never removed His lamp stand. 

I've learned so much and I'm different. Sure, I still struggle with all the fruits of the Spirit but my heart is less about the law, less about my way, more about choosing love. I was talking with a fellow worship leader/friend about ministry today and, after commiserating about some mutual struggles, she said to me, "I can see the heart of Christ in you." 

I took that and stored it in my heart and mind for what a huge accomplishment for me! I am different with Christ in me. Thank you, Jesus!

For God to allow me to glean and see and learn more about Him and bring me into His fold of richness and love after all this time is not overlooked by me. Grace on grace on grace. 

It's never too late to begin. 

He's waiting for you.