Josh and I went through marriage counseling before we got married. Our rationale, anything to increase the odds of "making it". Now that we've been married around 80 days, I've realized that there were a lot of things she didn't tell us about. Here's the biggies that I think were missing.
1. Communication - I'm not talking about the "tell me about your day, please be a bit more descriptive" type of talking. I mean communication in the real sense. Like being able to tell your other how you really felt when he didn't do "that". Or, when you normally wouldn't say something because it's really about you...yea well, when you're married you have to tell them. Having a clear understanding of why the other person thinks and acts like they do becomes so important in making it work. It doesn't leave room for misunderstandings, that could eventually build to behavior that results from those misunderstandings. Inevitably creating a mound of needed undo-ables simply because you couldn't communicate the truth. Get me? I hope so.
2. Expectations - I had this unattainable dream of being everything Josh needed and more so I struggled with finding the balance in the everyday. Initially I was determined to do all the laundry, folding, kitchen prep and clean-up, shopping, dusting, vacuuming - you get what I'm saying. The whole nine yards. But as the weeks went by I realized that it was too much to do everything. There had to be somewhat more of a balance in the housework. Now every so often Josh will fold the laundry and pick up k.p. duty. This has gone a long way in helping to keep my attitude on the up and up and our relationship on the top-side.
3. Sex* - Now, a lot of people I know read this blog, including my mother-in-law (hi mom! =)) so, all I am going to say about this topic is this - it's not what you thought it would be pre-marriage (but not in a bad way). Pre-marriage all you're trying to do is keep from doing it! And then when your purpose changes, it really changes the nature of physical intimacy. Communication and effort becomes key. Moving on...
4. Forgiveness - My mom runs the married's women's group at church and you'd always hear her talk about 2 things, the first was forgiveness (The second I have no business talking about so I'll leave that for another time). I hate to say she was right, but she is. Marriage forgiveness goes a lot deeper than forgiveness (or maybe I just didn't have it right to begin with). I don't know about you, but sometimes you forgive someone - but not really - but being away for a while helps you to move on. You don't have the luxury of "being away for a while" when you're married. I've found that you actually have to forgive that person immediately. Earth shattering, I know.
5. Dealing with those pesky little insecurities - Believe it or not the things that bother you the most about yourself bleed into your marriage. Worried about your cooking not being up to par? Yup, he gets the brunt of that. Stressing that you don't look so good? Yup, he gets the fallout from that too. The more you can be honest about what bothers you, the better the relationship. There's not much Josh doesn't know about my deepest self-doubts. Knowing that and still being accepted take my love for him even deeper.
6. 100% - It's not a cliche. You really do have to give your all no matter you feel you're getting in return. More specifically for myself. It's not about me, it should be about him.
7. Prayer - Praying for him, for us, for me.
A lot has changed since our first few weeks. But I can say this, I love being married. More specifically, I love being married to Josh. There's no one else I'd want to figure it all out with than him.
* Don't worry Auntie, I got the go ahead. =)
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