The First Year of Motherhood

Trying to write a summation of your first year as a parent is near impossible. I have started and restarted this blog so many times but then I read what Em Henderson had to say about the matter and I thought exactly.

Here’s the thing: the first year of motherhood is ONE  big dichotomy- a total emotional whack, actually. I feel powerful because I DID THAT and every day I continue to do that. BUT I feel powerless because I am tied emotionally to him at all times and I feel like I can’t make my own decisions any more. I feel beautiful because when people are in love they are more beautiful, and my smile is so broad and genuine. But I feel ugly because my body isn’t exactly up to par and I went ‘mom’ real fast. I feel like I nail it because there are days when the home-baked frittatas are received with a huge YUM, and naps are totally effortless. And yet I miss it constantly because, I mean …  so many reasons - he’s still drinking bottles at night, he only has like 2 play dates a week, his ‘brushing of the teeth’ is a total joke, etc. You name it, I feel like I’m missing it. I feel so grateful and like the luckiest person on the planet, while at the same time feeling like a total martyr; as if I do everything. I don’t. Brian is a serious 50/50 parent but it doesn’t negate that weight on my body. I feel so much pressure and I feel so tired all the time, but so does Brian. It’s easy to feel like a martyr when you are a parent, no matter how much of the work you are doing. I feel young because I am so much more playful and silly then I used to be, and yet I feel kinda old because vacations now are us going to Sacramento instead of Laos.

I would add that I am different because it's not about me anymore. Every decision revolves around the little, not because she's an only child but because that's what happens when you have a child. I can see why God made the progression the way he did now; single, marriage, child, children. Because only the extraordinary could jump from single to multiple children and stay on top. Each step in life really makes you more and more selfless and more and more humble. I am less judgmental of others and much less opinionated about stuff that doesn't matter. I'll hear something now and think, 'I have no energy to give to that'. I am a worse friend and certainly not as good of a wife. And while the answer is because of less time, less patience, and less energy, that is certainly not an excuse. I have gained weight and while I care, I don't have the energy to care enough.

I had a miscarriage while we lived up north. It was devastating for both Josh and I. Heart wrenching, can't talk about it, type of pain. So much hope followed by so much grief. So when we got pregnant with Emerson we held our hope in check. And with each passing milestone we'd breath a sign of relief and thank God for letting us get that far. Then she was born and we knew the weight of the miracle of life. Watching her this past year has molded our hearts into something deeper and more meaningful. It has truly been our privilege.

"And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea - I heard everything everywhere say, Blessing, honor, glory, and power belong to the one seated on the throne and to the Lamb forever and always!"  Revelation 5:13