A Telling Tell

Without realizing it I've discovered I have a tell. You know, poker slang for a change in someone's behavior that gives you a clue about how that person feels about their hand. But mine isn't when I'm playing poker. It's more a barometer to identify how I'm really doing. I'm not talking stuff like, "I'm tired". It's more like, "Does anyone want to adopt an adorable little girl?"

Not that I'm serious about that. But maybe for a quick moment I guiltily am.

Embarrassingly, my tell is whether or not my eyebrows are filled in. I know that sounds ludicrous, but it's true. If I get the eyeliner on then I'm doing really well. If I straighten my hair we are feeling all sorts of positive and confident in this momma gig. It's noteworthy to tell you that I used to straighten my hair everyday. Since the wee one has joined us, I've pulled the flat iron out a grand total of one time. I would guesstimate I've put eyeliner on half the time and there were probably 3 days when the eyebrows haven't been filled in.

Who knows what happened on those 3 days. Probably a lot of crying, not a lot of latching, and maybe some throwing up in there just for funsies. You mom's know what I'm talking about.

For example - this day was a no eyebrow day.

And this was an eyebrow, eyeliner, and hair straightened day.

It's not that I'm not loving it, because I am. But it's also hard so there are wistful moments of doubt that creep into my mind when everything seems to be going wrong at the same time. I'll wonder if I'm doing the right thing and if I'm cut out for this. I wonder if I'm a bad person for thinking these things and then if I'm already an awful mother.

And then I'll look down and she'll smile. And that seems to push me to another day.